To anyone who may or may not be "watching" me; I am starting a new (except old journals) I Will also be adding new journals that I have written while I was not using dA but I am back ~ And have missed you all very much hope you like my new stuff for I am starting to get into Art AND Photography (as apposed to only art).
Farewell my friends!

So I was in a chat room today at work and this girl and I were talking.... about nothing really and the topic of liking New York came up. I know she didn't mean anything by it but it brought up many fond and terrifying memories of 9-11... so I asked her to stop talking about it before I start crying (I was at work) so now I suppose I will explain it...the day I lost my best friend.....
I still remember it like it was yesterday… and this day is VERY difficult for me to reminisce… and even harder for me to share with the world…
I was living in Cedar Springs, Michigan and attending Cedar Springs Middle School ~7th grade~ it was nearly a week after the last time I talked to my friend, Amanda, but I always called her ‘Mandy’; it was only about ten minutes into my computer class… and I was logging into my yahoo.com account to E-mail her and see how she was doing when we were all instructed to quit what we were doing and turn to Channel 3... So my teacher told us to shut down the computers and she turned on the T.V. ~ just as she did… the plane smashed into the second Tower… Mandy’s dad worked next door to the Towers and they lived only a few blocks away from there…
My whole school spent the whole day, eyes glued to the T.V. screen… I remember the images of people jumping out of the windows of the Towers… black smoke pouring out of the windows from the crumbling buildings… my eyes… burning with salty tears as I feared for my best friend’s life ~even though only online ~ Even to this day… I keep her in mind… wondering; hoping she survived… nine days after my 12th birthday…
About 3,000 men, women, and children died that day… I know it’s never easy to think about… but I want you to keep those people in mind; I do not know their names ~ but if you’ve lost a loved one or a close friend on that day especially… then you know what it feels like to be me… and the friends and family of those who’ve experienced that day first-hand… I pray for everyone that dad… and events following.
~ May God be with you ~

P.S. If any of you experienced what I have on that day and would like to leave a comment…. Feel free.

Everybody has something about themselves that they try to hide from everybody else… whether ‘tis a white past, form of masacism, a blemishing of flesh, or maybe even emotions…
It seems as though nobody else can ever look past these flaws in others… but when I do look past a girl’s flaws and see her for the sweet, kind-hearted woman she really is ~ she suddenly gets scared and pushes me away.
You know what ~ here; here’s a list of my flaws ~ take me as you please: I proclaim to be a Christian; and yet I have sex (not since February but nonetheless), I swear a lot, I don’t particularly like people getting close to my heart so I drive them out in fear of getting hurt… I used to cut, burn, and overdose on Aspirin, Aleve, and once Benedryl at school (mind you I took 250mg of Benedryl and I’ve never taken it before that)… I don’t like my life ~ so Anime is my escape from reality ~ enabling my mind to enter this plane of existence in which I am strong and feared. Many of those things, like my overdosing, nobody knows until now… Another thing is: until my 18th birthday when I moved out of mother’s house ~ I spent 8 long years without getting much sleep at night (if any at all)…
It’s not what flaws people have that we should focus upon ~ but rather praise one another and sharpen each other as iron sharpens iron… I know that people of all ages are reading my journals online… and I am sorry if I corrupt you younger kids out there with my deep messages ~ but I feel strongly about this stuff and I don’t take my thoughts, hopes, or dreams lightly. Things like this that I write may sound harsh; cruel ~ but if you search one another’s heart… you can see it too… the hurt and suffering caused by things that others do not understand and thus they fear.
We are the next generation of this un-Godly world… the true question is: “What are you going to do to change it?” We focus upon the flaws so intent-fully with a fine-tooth comb and we don’t stop once to think about the damage we cause… how many teenagers alone commit suicide every day… every year because they feel unwelcome… hated just for being alive?!?! I was watching CSI one night and there was a quote that really struck hard to me… “It took five people to kill this man… where it would only have taken one to save him.” ~ mind you ‘tis been awhile so it may not be EXACT; but you get the point`~
Just so you all know… I have friends who cut, do drugs, overdose, drink, and anything else just to escape their own pains or just to fit in… I see the agony in people’s hearts… and I have been a statistic of the millions of teens who try to commit suicide; many times… I have walked the fine line of life and death without anyone’s knowledge… whether they didn’t realize or didn’t care… it matters not ~ my whole point of this journal today is to let you know that you are NOT alone in this world… and you need to find a friend to talk to and relieve yourself from all this bottled up non-sense. I am getting my Nextel activated around 28 September 2007... Assuming I have unlimited incoming; I will make sure you can all see my number - or I will post it in this journal later… until then… please; feel free to E-mail me if you want to… and keep reading my journals… who knows; maybe one could affect you!
By the way… I do NOT condone anything like under-age drinking, drug use, drug ABUSE, suicide, attempted suicides, any form of masacism (cutting, burning, stabbing, etc.), gangs, or anything else I failed to mention that are illegal and/or potentially harmful/fatal.

So yeah... I had the perfect plan to ask a girl out; take her out for dinner and a movie... show her a good time.... give her a massage, etc. But it turns out her and her whole family is sick as a dog and so now I have to struggle with setting up another day that fits with both of our schedules.... I work Sunday - Thursday from 10:00pm - 6:30am and then I start school again January 7th and so During the day I am going to be EXHAUSTED and so I am really unsure as to if I will have time for a relationship after January.....
The problem with this is the fact that I love this girl... she is what is giving me the inspiration to keep doing my art at my very best rather than the crap that I have been doing lately.... she is something special. She may be turning 15 soon... and I am 18 but; that really doesn't matter to me... she has more in common with what I look for in a girl than I ever noticed before....I really wish I could just call her up and ask her but that is a foolish way to ask a girl and... her and I both have been recently broken up with and we aren't really in the best position to date again but.... I think the fact that two hearts can beat as one proves that two hearts broken can mend eachother's wounds and become perfect for eachother....
I just hope she understands how I feel inside.... and accepts my request and takes my hand...